I love Christmas TV specials. The Sad Sack and his pathetic tree, the miser's heart growing three sizes that day, and especially Granny Arbuckle rocking away many a lonely hour with her cats. (Charlie Brown, The Grinch, and Garfield specials respectively). So many wonderful specials, yet there always seem to be room for more. As a result, I thought I'd list my top five Christmas Specials that I want to see made.
5. How Santa Saved Christmas
Everyone has saved Christmas, and I mean everyone - Ernest P. Worrell (It's spelled right, trust me), Elmo, Inspector Gadget, Felix the Cat, Hanukkah Harry, Dogs, Elves, Bears, there's even a story of how a pimp saved Christmas (Thanks IMDB, I couldn't make that up if I tried). The one person that never saves Christmas is Santa. Come on! Is Santa Princess Peach from Super Mario Bros.? How many times does his kingdom need saving? Give me a Santa with a spine who runs into difficulty and doesn't need outside help to fix his problem. He has superpowers! Eternal life, a bag with an infinite number of presents, the ability to fly, and all the elf henchmen he could possibly need! COME ON SANTA MAN UP! If Ernest P. Worrell can save Christmas surely upi can as well!
4. The Christmas Eve Adventures of the South Pole Gnomes
I've always wondered why Christmas stories have no real bad guys. Sure, there's the Grinch, but he's redeemed. In A Christmas Carol, there's not a bad guy - Marley saves Scrooges eternal soul, Scrooge is redeemed, even the terrifying Ghost of Christmas Future is doing his task for the betterment of old Ebenezer. You could make an argument that the Magician in Frosty the Snowman who wants to take back his magic hat is not particularly pleasant, but Santa fixes Frosty and may even bring Hinkle a present if he writes that he's sorry a hundred zillion times. What the Christmas season needs is an all out war. Elves vs. Gnomes. Good vs. Evil. I'm imagining hand to hand combat, Rudolph yelling out, "Avenge me Blitzen," as he falls on the frozen tundra. The Gnomes want to destroy Santa's workshop, his workers, Christmas itself, and nothing will be safe until they are defeated once and for all. I'm thinking Dick Cheney could narrate.
3. Santa meets The Easter Bunny
These two fictional characters have been stealing Christian Holidays for decades so why not place them in a cheesy crossover special (ala The Jetsons meet the Flintstones). It could end with children that are not just entitled and greedy from Santa's presents, but also obese from the Easter Bunny's candy eggs. Best of all, when the children's teeth all fall out from soaking in their sugar bath, the Tooth Fairy could make a cameo and give the children cold hard cash. Also, there has to be a way to work a Leprechaun in there somehow.
2. The Ghost of Christmas Future
In this stunning documentary, Morgan Spurlock examines how Santa supports the West Virginia coal industry by requesting tons of the material every year to give to misbehaving children.* Santa's coal imports also mean excess CO2 emissions as children use said coal and thus: rising oceans, disappearing polar bears, and shifting temperature patterns. This tension between industry and environment has caused some to call for an end to the naughty list which would cause an increase in Santa importing Chinese toys and putting several thousand elves out of work. It could win an Emmy.
*Why does Santa bring coal to bad Children? Wouldn't that be a good thing when you're really cold? I think Santa should bring something useless like a random key that unlocks something in New Zealand. "You were a naughty child, here's a key. What for you ask? You'll never know Sisyphus, just keep trying different locks"
1. A Christian Christmas
Christian is a horrible adjective as it often means something that is inferior in quality that can't make it in the secular world. (My favorite "Christian" songs tend to come from secular artists Johnny Cash's "When the Man Comes Around" and The Dave Matthew's Band "Christmas Song" come to mind) With that in mind, I'd like to see a Christmas movie about the first Christmas (Jesus, manger, Mary, shepherds, angels, etc.) that doesn't look like it had a budget of $140, or sound like George Lucas wrote the dialogue. Garfield is great, but Jesus is better. It would be cool if a TV special came out that would demonstrate that fact.
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!
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